So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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