That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
