ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
