just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
