i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
