I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
