I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
