Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
