he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
