I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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