I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
