I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
