I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
