Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Dignity is for republicans.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
