I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
birth control should be required to get into college
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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