And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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