Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
oh god the rape fog is back!
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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