life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
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