So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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