i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
