Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
