you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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