I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Green mimosas i think yes
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
