Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
