I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
