I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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