Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
