I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
