I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Randomize
