complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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