I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
