I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
