The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
