saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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