i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
