I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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