No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
