If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
