my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
