Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
