I can't watch pbs sober anymore
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
