i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
