I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
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