I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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