mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
