Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
