I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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