I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
