i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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