1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
